Now that I think about it 30 years later, it was funny, but it wasn’t at the time. My first son had a hard time accepting the fact that he had to share his home with his little sister. When they were both very young my daughter came running into house screaming and crying. I asked her what was wrong, but she couldn’t speak. I interrogated her brother. He said that he took a board and put it across a log and told his sister to stand on one end. He then climbed on top of the dog house and jumped onto the other end of the board and she went flying. I was furious. I yelled at him and asked why he would do such a thing. He said, “But, you wouldn’t believe how high she went!”
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I lived in Utah, a long time ago, in the way outback, working on a construction site. There were a lot of native Navajo Native Americans working as welders. As you were talking to them, they would constantly be cracking and crunching on pinion nuts. Kind of like pistachios, but you had to crack them open with your teeth. Being the curious soul that I am, I asked were they got these nuts. I was told that their wives harvested them. I visited a neighbor/Navajo, while he was there, and asked his wife for directions. She told me how to get there and it sounded real simple. I’m simple, it should work.
I didn’t have a four-wheel drive and set out on roads for which there are no maps. I drove through massive canyons, just following the tire tracks. I must have missed a turn. At one point the road followed an old chopped up river bed and ran into a series of small ledges that got bigger the farther I got. One particular ledge made me aware that I would not get back up the same way I came. I met up with a small river I would have to cross. The tire tracks I’d been following could be seen on the muddy hill on the other side. I would have to get a running start, cross the river, shoot up the hill and make a sharp left turn.
A herd of cows were blocking the way. They weren’t disturbed by the sound of my horn. I got out and chased them away to make a hole, but by the time I started again, they had closed the gap. After a couple times of getting out and moving the cows only to have them play the same dirty trick again, I just drove like a maniac straight at them, and they parted like the Red Sea at the last minute. Scared? You bet. Lost? Of course. Several hours later I found the main highway, got out and kissed it, and headed home.
As I was driving back, I remembered that they sold pinion nuts at the general store. Not wanting to come home and lose face, I stopped and paid about five dollars for a handful of pinions. When I got home I showed them to my wife to show her that if there are pinion nuts that need finding, I’m your man. I also told her what I’d gone through to find them. She figured out where I got the pinions after a trip to the general store and after I broke under questioning.
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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930s, ’40s, ’50s, ’60s and ’70s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.
As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.. « Continue reading »
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have
been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.
The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had longhair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’
To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?’
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Our grandson, age seven, had recently attended a birthday party at a local pizzaria that attracted kids with their video games.
I was caring for my grandson when he asked if he could go back to the pizzaria, which just happened to be across the street.
I told him in order to do that, he would need supervision.
His response was, “But Grandma, our school nurse told me I have 20-20 vision!”
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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
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Beau was sitting next to John in church and turned to him and asked “dad, who laid Mary?” Taken back John replied with “what are you talkin about?!!” Beau responded with “well then who laid Adam?” at which point we discovered he sees humans as laying eggs just like chickens. …could this be an example as to why he is repeating Kindergarden? LOL!!!!!
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So my 9 year old daughter has a super high reading level. Her school tested her and produced a list of books that would be appropriate for her level over the summer. Among the list of books was Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, and Cry, the Beloved Country. I naturally thought ‘no way’. I took our book of complete works of Bronte and gave it to her and said “start with Wuthering Heights and let me know what your thoughts are”. She did and told me that the book was like a dictionary and she had a hard time following the sentence structure. I decided to read it aloud to her to see if it would help her understanding.
Hours later that day Bella turned to John, my husband, and asked “Dad, how big does a bitch get”? Johns face was priceless. I just cracked up laughing because the word is used correctly in Wuthering Heights and so Bella thought she would try to use it correctly as well. We told her that bitches come in all sizes and it’s the big ones to beware of.
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I believe it is important my kids talk about their body parts with the proper vernacular. So if you are offended by the word Penis don’t keep reading! I don’t however encourage them to speak about their body parts like they are a seperate part of their body that can think for its self. « Continue reading »
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My wife and I teach a children’s primary class at church. Needless to say, we have heard some pretty funny comments over the years… We were teaching a group of 7 year olds and one of the little boys all of a sudden raised his hand and said, “Disneyland is way better than Jesus”. I gave the lame adult response and said, “Chris, Disneyland is not way better than Jesus”. He thought about that for a moment and then said, “But Disneyland has way more rides”! Got to love the logic!
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